In Life and In Love
by Joywriter
Summary: Adam sits restlessly in his apartment and reflects on his experience with Lawrence as he waits for him to arrive. It's the beginning of a new life for them... together. Rated for language and implications.


**Adam sat anxiously,** **restlessly, on the couch in his apartment. Nothing could hold his attention for more than a few moments. Sleep had been impossible that night, and the hours seemed to span years. Today was the day he had been waiting for.**

**Lawrence was finally coming home. **

**They had spent many days and many evenings together as Lawrence recuperated in the hospital, Adam sitting on the bed, comforting Lawrence as he had once comforted him. **

_**"You're gonna be alright."**_

**He remembers well the moment when Lawrence had taken the time, the precious energy, to crawl to him, to stop him from beating the shit out of Zepp's head. He remembers his cold hand, slippery with blood, as it caressed his cheek.**

_**"If I don't g-g-get help, I-I'm going to bleed to death."**_

**He remembers crying, begging him to stay with him, crying as Lawrence crawled slowly away, beyond his reach. His skin was pale, his body in shock from pain and stress. **

**"Don't leave me!"**

**But he did.**

_**"Don't worry, I'll bring someone back. I promise."**_

**"We're gonna be okay?"**

_**"I wouldn't lie to you…"**_

**Adam believed him. And Lawrence kept his word.**

**He remembers seeing Lawrence for the first time since he left that room – that prison – lying in the hospital bed. He was sleeping at the time. **

**So beautiful.**

**He sat down in the chair beside the bed and watched him.**

**After all, it's what he did best.**

**He saw Lawrence through new eyes that day, and took notice of things he had never given thought to before that moment. The soothing, rhythmic rising and falling of his chest. The contour of his lips. The silhouette of his body beneath the white sheet. **

**He wondered what Lawrence was dreaming. **

**Adam had been there when he opened his eyes, and as Lawrence breathed his name, he felt his stomach drop.**

**What was this feeling that had overcome him? He recognized the feeling, foreign as it was, and he couldn't believe it was happening. But he couldn't fight it. He _wouldn'_t fight it. How could he resist something that felt so natural? How could he resist the only thing that had ever felt right?**

**Had this been the cause of all his pain and unsatisfactory relationships in the past? Had he been denying who he really was simply because he didn't know this part of him even existed?**

**Lawrence had sent him help. His fate had rested in his hands, and Lawrence had saved him. But why? What did Adam have to offer Lawrence? He was a respected doctor with a successful practice. He was married and had a beautiful daughter. Adam was a sneak, a sellout, even a pervert. Intruding on people's most private moments.**

**Even Lawrence's.**

**Up until that moment when their paths had crossed in the bathroom, they had led very different lives, yet despite their differences, they had both been living a lie, deceiving those around them.**

**Adam had listened as Lawrence confessed to him his past indiscretions and his failing marriage, and nothing he said came as a surprise. Adam had always been able to see weakness in others, but he could only fear it in himself. **

**He remembers the first time he took Lawrence's hand in his, caressing it, rubbing small, gentle circles on his knuckle with his thumb. It had been a risky move, but Lawrence didn't withdraw, nor did he seem repulsed by his gesture. **

**He smiled.**

**"Knowing that you were counting on me is what got me through. I'd never be able to forgive myself if I had let you down."**

**The words stunned Adam as one by one they rolled off Lawrence's tongue, painting a vivid and unmistakable picture. Even so, he wasn't sure he had heard correctly. **

**"I don't understand."**

**His heart began to beat faster as Lawrence tenderly and patiently repeated the words, like a loving father to a child. **

**Lawrence had always made him feel like a child, full of angst and repressed feelings.**

_**"I'm dealing with a juvenile."**_

**Lawrence had reassured him, sometimes impatiently, even arrogantly, when the child in his mind took over in moments of panic and fear. **

**"_You'd either be in terrible agony, or you'd be dead by now. Trust me."_**

**Trust me, he had said. And Adam did trust him. Even though their would-be killer had set Lawrence up to kill him, Adam still trusted him.**

**He remembers the first words Lawrence had said to him in the dark.**

_**"You're not dead."**_

**No, I'm not dead, Adam concluded. At least not anymore. I've never felt more alive. Alive for the first time in twenty-eight years. **

**So much wasted time.**

**He remembers their first kiss. Lawrence had been sitting up in the hospital bed that day, and Adam sat on the edge facing him. Lawrence's hand met his cheek, his touch, soft and tender. Adam leaned his head into Lawrence's hand as he slowly drew him near, begging him forward. **

**The soft velvet of Lawrence's lips met his, and time stood still. He felt like he was falling. Even so, he knew Lawrence would always be there to catch him. **

**Adam closed his eyes, delighting in the warmth of their kiss, and realized that for the first time, he had found a piece of his soul in someone else. **

**It had never gone any further than that. **

**The kisses had become longer and more frequent in the days that followed, and each day brought something new. **

**He remembers the day Lawrence announced that he was leaving Allison. Adam hadn't been sure if he should feel guilty for delighted. **

**Lawrence reassured him that it was inevitable. **

**Yes, today Lawrence was coming home. The clock on the wall read seven twenty-six. Only a few more hours until the silence would be broken, and the loneliness but a memory. **

**Of course, Lawrence wasn't coming home from the hospital. He had been released weeks ago. He needed to spend time with his daughter for a while, and even though he understood that Lawrence loved her, he couldn't deny the pangs of jealousy that assaulted him as he lay awake and alone in bed at night. He often stared at the empty space where Lawrence would one day sleep next to him – where he had always been meant to be – hoping that the phone would ring and it would be him.**

**Adam loved his voice. The good doctor – strong, reassuring, confident. A healer. His healer. Even during his brief phone calls, Adam found it hard to keep himself together, and often broke down once the call was over. **

**He had never missed anyone this much. **

**His gaze was often drawn to his scarred shoulder. It had become an odd habit, but a reassuring one nonetheless. It served as a reminder that that love hurts. And even so, it was worth the pain. The lonely nights, the emptiness would all be worth it in the end. He was sure of it. It was a reminder that the hell they had endured together had been real, and the irony was that Adam was grateful to the man known only as Jigsaw. His effort had not been in vain. His lesson had not been lost. **

**The man who had left him for dead, had, in fact, shown him life. **

**He had given Lawrence to him. **

**Fear is intimacy when shared, and even though he couldn't pinpoint the exact moment it had occurred, that fear had fused their souls together. **

**He remembers the panic, the dread he felt as he watched Lawrence's body shake with convulsions as the electricity coursed through him. And then he went limp. **

**"Lawrence! Get up!" he cried. "I need you."**

**He remembers watching him struggle to reach the phone, helplessly. He had watched him break and lose all sense of stability and rationale. It had been difficult to watch.**

**"Lawrence, stop it!" he cried, feeling the vomit rising in his throat. **

**He remembers the moment when he watched in horror as Lawrence took the gun from the dead man's hand – the man who was very much alive – and loaded it with the bullet that had been intended for him all along. It was the only moment he had ever doubted Lawrence. In a moment of irrationality and insanity, he shot Adam. **

**He laid there on the dirty tiles, pretending to be dead for Lawrence's sake, and he had been in terrible, searing pain. But it was nothing compared to Lawrence's pain, he knew. He had been braver than Adam. **

**Playing dead was the only chance Lawrence had of winning his game. Maybe it wasn't too late. Maybe Lawrence would be set free and his family would be spared. **

**Adam's heart was breaking as he heard him crying.**

_**"I've done it! Now show them to me!"**_

**He remembers cautiously opening his eyes as he lay on the floor, and realized that the man – Zepp, Lawrence had called him – was about to shoot Lawrence, and that was crossing the line. And in what must have been a moment of sheer panic similar to what he imagined Lawrence had experienced, Adam killed Zepp.**

**He remembers in the days that followed his escape how Lawrence had gently placed his hand on the dressing that covered his gunshot wound.**

_**"I promise. I'll never hurt you again."**_

**Lawrence's blue eyes had always captivated him, and as they filled with tears, Adam could feel his heart breaking.**

**"I forgive you."**

**Adam felt the apology to be ironic, and he, too apologized for invading his privacy in the days before they shared a prison cell that could have so easily become their grave.**

**Adam was roused from his reverie by a knock in his door. His senses sprang to life and he knew who was waiting for him on the other side. It had been days - a lifetime, it seemed – since he had last seen him, and the anticipation was paradoxically crippling and liberating.**

**Adam rushed to the door, and there was Lawrence, holding a suitcase, a lifetime packed into one little bag. He cast it aside, and Adam beamed like a child as the man he loved drew him near and held him close. For a moment, the entire world seemed to melt into nothing. It was only Adam and Lawrence.**

**The warmth, the security. It was all he ever wanted, and all he would ever need.**

**_"I'm home,"_ Lawrence whispered.**

**"Me too."**

**The start of a new life. Adam had been dreaming of this day for months. Even years, but he would have never guessed it would have turned out they way it had.**

**He had fantasized about this day, and how their embrace would lead to a kiss, a kiss would lead to a touch, and then another, and each touch would culminate in a fit of unrestrained passion. A passion he never knew was possible for him to feel.**

**Adam smiled as Lawrence took him by the hand and led him to the bedroom – their bedroom. Lawrence limped and winced with each step, and Adam shared his pain.**

**But soon, their pain would become their pleasure, and Adam could finally cast off the shackles of his fantasies, just as he had cast off the chains of fear and apathy, and the chain that had held him prisoner.**

**Lawrence had freed him from that.**

**He felt an incredible rush as Lawrence kissed him softly before pulling back and smiling, saying the words they had never said, yet always felt and knew existed between them.**

**There would be no more fantasizing, no more wondering about what would one day be.**

**He no longer needed to.**


End file.
